Re-frame “What Have I Done?

You know sometimes you start thinking about where you are in life – any period- and you feel like you haven’t done anything or haven’t learned anything or haven’t made any progress? It’s a defeating thought pattern that we all likely walk through at different times. In fact, I had one of those thought stretches here lately, and it really bothered me. It’s very easy to get stuck in that hamster wheel. Sometimes, all you need is a little nudge or, okay, a swift kick, to get off the wheel. Well, I got both the swift kick and the nudge, mostly because I needed both.

There’s always one that’s not afraid to stand out.

THE LITTLE NUDGE

For almost two years, give or take a few months, I’ve had a mostly regular monthly meeting on Zoom with my friend and fellow photographer, Mary Presson Roberts. During these sessions we talk about photography, life, art and artists we’ve been inspired by. We share our screens and images that we’ve created during the interim. Mary usually has more to share than I do. This, I think, is in part due to her daily schedule that she follows. It includes, among other things, creativity time (art, photography, reading). It is a structure that works for her and helps her stay on track. I do not have that structure (yet). I have daily to-do lists that often could take a week or more to not even complete. They just keep growing and evolving. I would do well with more structure and a few boxes to check off on a daily basis for my own creativity and art.

Last month I got a little nudge. In preparing for our meeting, I felt that I had nothing to share. I felt that I had not been doing anything of value worth sharing; that is, until I went back to look at the images I had made at different times between our meetings. For many different reasons I had not looked at them after downloading. I had moved on to other items on the to-do lists. Yet, although I had not processed any of the images I found for sharing, I shared them anyway. Turns out that I had been doing and learning all along. It just didn’t feel that way.

Reminds of me how I was feeling that I had not used my camera in a long while.

THE SWIFT KICK

You know, the best person to deliver the swift kick is often the person who needs it. So, I did it to myself in a somewhat kinder way than the phrase itself implies. First, I realized that what I was feeling and telling myself in regard to my not doing creative work was not true. I was doing … it just didn’t feel like it until I took more than a few steps back (and got out of my head) to survey the raw nature of the work. For me, as a photographer, that meant going back through images made in June and July and doing a gentle, but honest, review. Where had I been? What did I photograph? What did I try that was challenging or out of my comfort zone? And, finally, what did I learn? Turns out that my honest overview was more positive than I had originally perceived or anticipated.

This review is kind of like the essays we wrote in school long ago on “what I did this summer.” The honest overview made me realize that I needed a reframe of the question, “what have I done?” With some help from Google, I found it. Turn that question, which has the potential for negative connotations into a statement. The statement, which can be used to make honest reviews is, “What I Have Done.”  Therefore, this blog – a culmination of a little nudge, a swift kick and an honest, but gentle review – continues.

These feet make me glad that I delivered my own “swift kick.”

WHAT I HAVE DONE

I have to say that those words above are an awesome spin and a great way off the hamster wheel of feeling like one has done “nothing” or made no progress, in anything. Both statements are usually untrue. Note that I don’t call them lies. They are not. They are perceptions or feelings that, while valid, are not always true. There’s a big difference.

In short, my list of “What I Have Done” in photography includes owls, waterlilies, more birds and sunflowers. During one of the sunflower trips, I also visited the NC Museum of Art and the exhibit of Grace Hartigan, an American abstract expressionist painter. Viewing art, especially paintings, is always inspiring. Outside of photography, I painted a canvas instead of a wall. I actually have done and learned a lot – a lot of different things in and out of my comfort zone. So, let’s take a closer look at the lessons.

It’s good to laugh and good to get off the hamster wheel.

THE OWLS

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a deep love of flowers. My bird photos, however, almost always stem from convenience in proximity and situations that are conducive for such. A few visits to Alligator National Wildlife Refuge gave me some special opportunities to photograph barred owls in the wild. They were close enough and cooperative enough for me to take my time, use my 100-400mm lens and figure things out. I know enough to be dangerous when it comes to photographing birds. The owls were big enough for me to spot and shoot, even when they flew to new locations nearby. I used the DX crop mode in my camera for more magnification in the frame and also tried out the 1.4x teleconverter that I had forgotten I even had. I didn’t trust that the owls would stay long, so I handheld while photographing.

Lessons from the Owls: First, owls are amazing to see and watch. It’s a bonus and a gift to be able to photograph them. Next, I have all the lens I need for the birds I photograph. Handholding a long lens is not the easiest, but doable with the right settings (harder when shooting verticals). Lastly, what a gift that I live within two hours of this place and that I came away with some owl images that make me proud and happy and that remind me of the good times I had on the adventures with my husband.

That first “owl spotting” was nothing short of wow!

This owl caught its meal in mid-air – Amazing!

Such a pensive look when on the hunt for dinner.

THE WATERLILIES

Every June I am honored to be able to join different groups of photographers in Raleigh for a “warm” morning session with the waterlilies and lotus at Frank’s Water Garden (private). He graciously allows us to explore the fruits of his labors and passion with our cameras. I’ve visited the water gardens at least three or four years and always appreciate opportunities for photography and fellowship. This year was no different; and, as always, I wished for more time.

On this visit I used a range of lenses, starting with the 100-400mm on a tripod to make friends with the lilies in the front pond. I moved on to the macro lens and ended with my Lensbabies. I found my last image just as it was time to pack up and leave – not great timing, but fitting. What I found in one of the lily basins was a heart. I also had a nice conversation with Frank that ended with a hug and thanks. I was late for lunch, but that time in talk was more important than the food.

Lessons from the Waterlilies: First, appreciate the gifts of time and talents with people and in special places. Nothing lasts forever, and people matter more than the next image. Next, it was a good exercise to try different lenses and not lean on my usual suspects. Good thing I’m not afraid to get dirty or in awkward positions in the attempt to get the shot. Third, I again left with a few favorites that will remind me of this time, which is great. More importantly, I am reminded to be grateful and to share, not just photo tips or point out cool finds, but also connections with others.

My last find in the waterlilies – so very fitting.

Dreamy and ethereal with the Lensbaby Velvet 56.

SYLVAN HEIGHTS BIRDS

As I have said, I really love “convenient” birds. Just because they are convenient, doesn’t mean that they are easy – just closer and slightly less challenging. For that kind of bird photography, I highly recommend Sylvan Heights Bird Park. It’s a place to see waterfowl of all kinds from around the world in a most unlikely small town, Scotland Neck, NC (only an hour from home for me). Even in the heat of the summer it can offer great, sweaty opportunities for photography. The birds are close and beautiful. Every visit gives me some opportunities, and this visit was no different. Here, I used my Nikon Z6ii with my 28-300mm lens for more flexibility. It was a good choice.

Lessons from the Birds: First, this place never disappoints, even if the photos aren’t stellar. Nature is just purely amazing. Next, I chose the “right” lens, and opportunity knocked me to the ground. I answered and got an image I never thought was possible. Timing was perfect. Lastly, hot as it was, I had fun, which is the point. It was about the experience. Of course, let’s be honest, the hope for something to show for the visit in an image is not absent. This time presence, patience and practice prevailed.

A rare opportunity to be this close.

Embraced the challenge of light and the cage.

THE SUNFLOWERS

Aaaaah, the sunflowers! Hard to resist even though they too come into their season here in late June and July. This time I visited two different fields. The first one was in Raleigh at Dorothea Dix. On that visit I added a trip to the NC Museum of Art to see the Grace Hartigan exhibit, but also as an opportunity to cool down and immerse in art after a hot, sweaty morning in the blooms. I took two lenses into the field – my 28-300mm and my Lensbaby Velvet 56, both with macro filters in tow. I walked the “aisles” admiring the views, the petals and the flying critters until I could not sweat anymore. I lasted about two hours, and I came away with a few more favorites. While there, I met an older couple in the field, talking about and struggling to take pictures of each other. I gave them a hand, and they left with several nice photos of them together in the yellow beauties.

Looking for and finding a new view.

A velvety glow fitting for the summer swelter.

The second field, Wood Brothers Farm, in Cove City, I visited twice – once on my way home from the coast and once in the morning this past week. No surprise, both times the heat was turned on full blast. No matter. On the first visit, late afternoon, I poked around a bit and made a few images. Then, Luke, my friend’s husband, came out to greet me (it’s his family farm). I hadn’t seen him or Becky in way too long a time. I put my camera down. That early evening, we sat and talked in the shade with an ever-so-slight breeze, got caught up on the big stuff and committed to another gathering sooner than later. The great big hug and greeting I got from Becky was worth more than any sunflower shot. The other morning, I went back to their sunflowers. The heat and time are taking a toll. No matter. The time I spent in the field this time was different. I came looking to make images that were different from what I have already done. I needed my noticers, an open mind, and a towel. I used a mix of lenses again and headed home happy after two hours. I had found a few new views.

Taking the blooms from the top.

Loving the draping bottom petals.

Lessons from the Sunflowers: First, people and friendships matter more than anything, more than any image – especially these friends of more than forty years. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. Next, it is possible to see the very familiar in new and different ways. It just takes a little more time to settle in, to relax, and to put on the noticers and “doers” without judgment. Finally, aren’t sunflowers just the most cheerful flowers?!? They never disappoint, even when they are on a slow fade to “seed-dom.”

A festive gathering of the blooms.

A shining star with supporting characters.

THE PAINTING

Oh yes, and now there’s hard evidence that I have a lot to learn about putting paint on canvas. I have been and continue to be in awe of painters – the great and famous ones over the ages, the ones everyone knows, along with the amazing, more local artists with some audience, and those whose work I may never see. What these artists do with a blank canvas continues to amaze me. They may say some of the same things about photographers, but of that I am not quite sure.

In the last few years, I have made every effort to visit art exhibits in North Carolina and wherever the opportunity arises. My awe continues, but so does the inspiration – so much so that I have mentioned more than once that I would like to take a painting class. I have collected a few painting “tools” of artists to use in still life, but that class has not yet worked out. Now, I have a large wooden art box filled with paints, brushes, palettes, colored pencils, pastel crayons and a few blank canvases. This art box was a 65^th birthday gift from my husband to his aspiring artist of a different kind. It is waiting in the wings for a class or for me to just start somewhere.

This past week I created my first canvas “masterpiece” at a women’s painting party at church. I came to it thinking I would learn something about how to paint … that was not the point of the party. It was about the experience. Silly me and my expectations. The picture was outlined in pencil on the canvas. All I had to do is paint. This painting is far from perfect (not meant to be and impossible), but it is a good start. There were a lot of mess-ups that are not worth listing. I wasn’t even going to share it, and didn’t have to. It was going to be stowed away in a closet. Then, I changed my mind, and I put it “out there.” I have been surprised by the response.

Lessons from the Painting: The lessons I have learned here are kind of surprising.  First, it’s okay to be a beginner and make all kinds of mistakes (I did.). I don’t have to be perfect, because I am not and because being perfect is impossible. Next, I don’t and don’t have to know everything. Sometimes it’s a good thing to arrive without expectations. Finally, it’s okay to simply enjoy the time together. The painting was not the point of the party. I missed that memo … surprise. The evening, the painting, was not about learning how to paint. It was about being with others and sharing a fun experience. In part, it was a lesson in humility and in letting go of expectations. I need to get out more.

FINAL THOUGHTS

When I look back on these last two months in this way – WHAT I HAVE DONE feels so much better than asking myself, “What have I done?” What a wonderful reframe and reminder to pull back for the longer view. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, unproductive and “stuck” on the hamster wheel of “I’ve done nothing.” You may feel that way, but it’s not really true. It just takes a conscious effort to stop and look back, honestly and uncritically. What we may find, as I have, is that we’ve usually done so much more than we thought. We’ve done new things, learned a lot more than we thought – in general and about ourselves. We need to be kinder to ourselves. Celebrate the small things, the moments and memories, and let the rest of the world keep on turning. I encourage you to step back for a longer view so that you, too, can see how much more you have actually done. Give yourself a hand and a hug.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

The owl hunts will carry on.

What’s a bee without a sunflower?

Precious in Pink

Eye-level view of the petals and pads.